Are You “Ugly Sexy”?


The old saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is a cliché for a reason. There are all kinds of people in the world, many who don’t fit into what society tells us is beautiful or handsome.

And then there’s that one guy at the coffee shop (or whatever place you frequent) who you couldn’t see being handsome in anyone’s eye, but for some strange reason you want to rip his clothes off and mount him on top of the coffee beans. ß OK, I took it too far there, but you get what I mean.

I’ve come across these inexplicably handsome people a time or two throughout my life, but I always thought it was something wrong with me. I mean, I am pretty strange after all.

But I have finally been vindicated!

According to Dr. Heidi Reeder in her article in Psychology Today, I’m still strange, but not as much as I thought.

“In many cases, however, heart-racing sexiness has little to do with beauty. We can be intensely attracted to people who don’t fit the maxims favored by evolutionary psychologists, and that tells us a lot about sexiness,” Dr. Reeder says.

What! My thoughts have finally been validated by actual scientific evidence!?!?!

Yay me!

Now I can admit it to the world that I’ve always had this thing for Don Cheadle. The man my sister says looks like a Ninja Turtle. I don’t know what it is about him, but I would marry that man … seriously!


Oh, and Mike Rowe from the now defunct Dirty Jobs just does it for me. He has this Shakespearean vocabulary, even when talking about New York City subway rats. That’s just hot!


Who cares if the rest of the world thinks you’re beautiful Don and Mike. I do! Allow me to embrace your “Ugly Sexy” and let’s ride off in the sunset together.

Dr. Reeder’s Psychology Today Article:

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“How to Be a Side Chick” … Grrrrrr …

ImageThrough my snowed-in internet travels today I stumbled across an article titled, “How to Be a Side Chick” on wikiHow.

“Am I serious?” you ask.

Why yes, dear reader, I am. (Check out the link below if you think I’m playing.)

I know the internet is the home of everything you never knew existed (ie:  full websites dedicated to how to express your dog’s anal glands), but this has just taken the “side piece of cake” for the most ignorant thing I’ve ever witnessed. ß Well, maybe not ever, but it ranks pretty high up there.

So without further ado, I present you with the top 3 “tips” of this list of 9 that completely blew my wig back.

“#5: Don’t ask questions.”

“#6: Don’t try to spend holidays or birthdays with the guy.”

“#9: Let him think he’s the only one.”

… … … Ummm, yeah, that’s the sound of me scratching my scalp because my wig is still blowing in the wind.

Here’s my deal. If you as a woman have such high aspirations to be a “side piece” that you are actually trolling the internet to learn how to do it successfully, let me offer you another option.

Delete “how to be a side piece” from the search engine and type “how to find a good therapist.”

Yeah I said it.

There is something wrong with a woman that not only decides to take a back seat to another woman, but looks for a step-by-step guide on how to do it.

Now, we’re all adults and I understand life gets busy at times so I can understand wanting a “non-committed relationship” with a maintenance man (A.K.A. someone who comes through to clean out them pipe when they get a little clogged *wink wink).

But that should be something done between two consenting, uncommitted adults.

Seriously, if a man makes it know that he is seriously involved with someone else, why the hell should I allow him to think he’s the only one? To protect his ego? Fuck his ego! If by some strange stretch of the imagination I were to engage in a relationship like this, it would be for my own personal fulfillment. What the hell do I care about his ego?!?!?!

“Don’t ask questions” Who the hell is he? God? In my worst spiritual days I still question her so yeah, that definitely makes no sense.

“Don’t try to spend holidays with the guy.” What’s the point? Why would I share myself with someone and not expect him to share “special days” with me?

As a side chick, a woman is essentially reducing herself to a sexual object. If she can’t speak, ask questions, and has a sole function of catering to the ego of a man, what’s her role in this “relationship”? To please this man sexually, that’s what.

Take command of your VAG, ladies. It belongs to you. Not some guy who won’t do what he needs to do to own (or at least rent to own) it exclusively.

If she needs to be serviced, get her serviced! And not just by some creep who is totally invested in the servicing industry. Make sure his portfolio is diversified, but not in a way that it includes other shareholders. In other words, don’t reduce yourself to being just “thou who needs to be serviced.” You are whole woman, so act like one.

I really don’t want to generate any more traffic to this article, but in case you’re interested, here it is in all of its “glory.”

How to Be a Side Chick

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Music: Dancing to the Beat of My Drummer

430283_290854021022058_259532075_nWhat does the music you listen to you say about you?

Nothing, but then again, everything.

For example, my current play list includes work by Justin Timberlake, Beethoven, India.Arie, Beyonce, Frank Ocean, Ab-Soul, Rihanna, Skyzoo, Chrisette Michelle, Goapele, Lupe Fiasco, Dawn Richard, Kendrick Lamar, Miguel, System of a Down , Kid Cudi, The Weeknd, and Meshell Ndegeocello.


I really don’t know because it’s what I like. The music I listen to really depends on my mood.

I’ve had people threaten to “revoke my black card” ß whatever the hell that means … because I don’t particularly care for the likes of Mary J. Blige or Two Chains. I have my reasons why I don’t care for their music, but I won’t list them here because that is their art and I’m not in the business of blasting something someone has put their heart and soul into. I hate to sound like a 5-year-old, but it’s really not nice.

But I digress, the point of this blog is to spark discussion on our taste in music. Does it matter? Does it speak to where a person is in life? Their experiences? Their past?

I like the music I like because it reminds me of times that were and times that are.

It reminds me of people, my partner, my children. Hell if it’s a particularly hostile song like M.O.P’s  “Ante Up” I might just be still reeling from a particularly unpleasant interaction with a less than helpful Wal-Mart employee.

Music takes me to another place. It takes me to where I don’t have to care what I look like to other people; where I can dance in the grass barefoot; where I don’t have to worry about bill collectors calling me for debts; where I can really just be Theladywrites82.

Does that makes sense?

Who cares if it does, because I like what I like.

What do you like?

The Real Difference Between the Man You “Date” and the Man You Marry!

photo (2)

But I love him so much,” my friend sobbed to me. “I don’t understand why he doesn’t want a commitment with me!”

Now, I was definitely listening to her and providing a strong shoulder to cry on, but my mind couldn’t help but to wander.

Indulge me for a second and let’s take inventory of this young man:

  1. He is very handsome. I’m not going to debate that for a second.
  2. His body is built like a bronze statue.
  3. He’s great in bed. (Or so she says and I’m definitely going to take her word for it.)
  4. He’s got a job.
  5. He knows how to have a good time and is often the life of the party.

Ok, so he’s a pretty awesome dude. But what I didn’t want to tell her is that he is not going to be able to give her what she wants.


Because at this point in his life he isn’t the kind of guy you marry!

He’s the kind of guy you go out with … have a good time with … and er, allow him inside of your sugar walls, if that is what you so choose to do.

See, I hear men talking all of the time about how there are women you marry and women you sleep with.

Guess what? The same thing goes for men. There are some men you date and some men you marry and when you begin to confuse the two you end up like my friend ^^ up there ^^.

If you don’t know, a husband:

  1. Is handsome … or not … but has heart, soul, and other non-aesthetic qualities that outshine the looks of Idris, Denzel and Brad combined.
  2. Has a body like a bronze statue … or not … but would lay his flabby ass, beer belly, and love handles between you and anything that ever tried to hurt you.
  3. Is great in bed because you two have opened yourselves up to each other, allowing your energies to become one with each bead of sweat and heavy breath.
  4. Has a career and understands his role as a provider. OR, as I’ve seen, stays at home with the kids while mommy pursues her career.
  5. He knows how to have a good time, but knows you are the life of the party.

So, therefore, hitherto, ergo, stop giving “dating material” the perks of “marriage material.” Better yet, stop giving husband/partner benefits to anyone that doesn’t fit what you want.

Never settle than anything less than what and if “he’s” not doing it, there are plenty of others that will.

I Want that Jay-Z and Beyonce Kind of Love?

menstefYou want love like Jay-Z and Beyonce?

Barack and Michelle?

Will and Jada?

D. Wade and Gabby? ß Ok, well maybe not so much anymore since the whole so-called “on break baby” issue.

What about having love like you and your partner?

It’s difficult for me to understand why an adult would want the life of another.

What the hell’s wrong with your life that someone else’s seems to appealing? And if you really think it’s that bad, why aren’t you investing your time into fixing it instead of longing to be some stranger?

Sure, private jets are nice. And traveling around the world with the one you love doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

But you don’t know Beyonce. And you damn sure don’t know Barack. I mean no disrespect at all, but what if he’s really an asshole? What if he’s one of those people that’s so concerned with how things look to other people that he strips his partner of her individuality? What if Beyonce so obsessed with herself that she won’t let you see her without make up or what if she likes to shit with the door open?

Of course, I’m not saying any of this is true, but that’s the point … you don’t know. I am not Michelle or Jada or any of these women and I don’t want my mate to be Will or Jay or any of these men.

I like who we are. Well, I like who I am and he’s OK when I don’t feel like punching him in the back of his head .LOL But I like our kind of love.

I love our crazy, stupid, illuminating, sometimes embarrassing, occasionally rocky, stinkin’, I love you because you’re you love. I don’t want a love like anyone else’s because this one belongs to us.

Go Shawty, It’s Your Birthday!

Tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. I can’t believe a made it this far.

I know that may seem to be a bit … I don’t know … pessimistic, strange, or lacking forward thought to some, but it’s honest.

Instead of a big party or a crazy night, I’ve opted for a more of the introspective journey. I mean, hell, since I’ve made it this far I think it’s time to start exploring everything I can … including myself.

Life’s short, that’s no secret.  What seems to be a secret to some are answers to questions like:

Who am I?


What makes me truly happy?

So I’ve been shaking up my thoughts to see what falls out.

I’m not really sure what the purpose of my blog should be, I just know I like to write.

For me it’s like the cool menthol of a cigarette to a smoker; the chilling breeze off a snowy mountain to a skier;  a mid-day nap to an overworked mother of three; a leggy prostitute to a politician.

I can create whatever I want in my mind and have it leak out onto paper (or at least the blinking cursor on my computer monitor).

Instead of concentrating on the hustle and bustle of making money, paying bills, and trying to win first place in the rat race, it’s time to do the things that matter to me.

And one of those things is sharing myself and my thoughts with others.

I tried to do the spoken word thing several times before, but it wasn’t for me (at that time in my life anyways). I felt naked. But the words still swirl in my head and I need somewhere for them to go. So here they are … welcome to the insides of my mind. 

What is Unconditional Love?

During the last few weeks, I’ve had some personal conversations with loved ones and come across some things online that got me to thinking. It started with popular Youtube comedian Tre Melvin “coming out” and revealing to the world (or his YT followers at least) that he is a bisexual man. Hmmm … <— that’s my wheels turning.

A few days after that while fumbling through the channels on a lazy Saturday afternoon, I came across a MTV “True Life” episode titled something along the lines of “I’m Attracted to Men.” Here, two young men allowed cameras into their lives to document their struggles with revealing their true selves to the people they loved. (The first of these men was engaged to a woman and the other was about to be a father for the first time). Hmmmm <—- they’re a’turning again!

Shortly after that, I received a call from my closest friend and we began a discussion about interracial dating. Is it wrong? Is it right? Who cares? I then asked her how she would feel if one of her children came to her and told her he way gay or dating a woman of another race. Hmmmm <—- you get the point by now.

So I got to thinking. Does it really matter? I’ve never met a person that said, “I fell in love with my husband because he is black.”

I’ve never spoken with a woman that said, “I love my wife because she is a woman.”

This bought me to the belief, thought, notion … whatever you want to call it … that we don’t fall in love with people for what they are, but for who they are.

When having conversations with people about their “better halves” they always talk about how kind the person is, how they make them feel, the nice things they do for them.

Think about high school. Most of the boys usually chased the same girl because her hair was long, booty was fat, she dressed well, or whatever the popular status symbol was at the time. As time passed, however, those same boys began to realize that those things don’t make a good mate, or person for that matter. In other words, what is aesthetically pleasing is not always emotionally pleasing. We grow, learn, and progress (well most of us anyways) and end up with someone we love because they are … well, them.

This has to be true across, races, sexual orientations, religions, and every other label that’s been created to separate us and lull us into believing we are different when we aren’t. We are human beings and as that, we are able and willing to fall in love with other human beings.

Some people say being “gay” is something that can be fixed. What is there to be fixed if it is very simply one human being falling in love with another?

This was of particular interest to me because I was able to challenge my own thinking and beliefs by conversation and thought; patience and removal of the ego; compassion and, somewhat ironically, love.

If the worst thing you can say about a person is that they are gay or like to date outside their race I think they’re doing pretty OK in life. What do you think?